The following is reprinted with permission from Mr. Wall’s Sept. 14 column “An Atheist in Illinois” at Chicagonow.com.
By James Kirk Wall
1. Atheist: No belief in god.
2. Atheist: Lack of belief in god.
3. Atheist: We don’t know how the universe began, but we’re really sure it wasn’t that guy.
4. Atheist: Far more interested in glorifying life than glorifying death.
5. Atheist: At a certain age, belief in Santa is cute. At a certain age it’s not.
6. Atheist: Do you believe in Zeus? That’s how we feel about your god.
7. Atheist: Don’t believe in any gods but your own? We simply take it one religion further.
8. Atheist: Because god sending himself to be sacrificed to himself in order to save us from himself (but only if you believe it) seems a bit irrational.
9. Atheist: We don’t hang garlic on our doors just in case vampires are real.
10. Atheist: Because evolution is a successful scientific theory while creationism is a failed hypothesis advocated by idiots and frauds.
11. Atheist: A belief that jealous men creating a jealous god is the more likely scenario.
12. Atheist: The arrogant belief that the universe wasn’t created especially for us, or that we have a personal relationship with an all-powerful being who occasionally shows us favoritism.
13. Atheist: Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. (Sagan)
14. Atheist: That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence. (Hitchens)
15. Atheist: Integrity in thought is worth more than blindness in obedience.
16. Atheist: When strength of character dictates that the rejection of a morally repulsive myth isn’t a choice, but a necessity.
17. Atheist: Rather than pick and choose in a crappy cafeteria, we find a better restaurant, and another, and another, and another.
18. Atheist: There has never been a word of god, only words of men claiming to speak for god. And that’s a big difference.
19. Atheist: “We don’t know” has never meant, and will never mean, it was magic. Ignorance proves nothing.
20. Atheist: Immoral because we don’t faithfully subscribe to a book that condones slavery and murder or believe that everyone else will be burned forever. But we still love you.
21. Atheist: In realizing that we made a mistake in making gods, we drowned them.
22. Atheist: The tide goes in, the tide goes out. We can explain that. That would be the gravitational pull of the moon, and to a smaller extent, the pull of the sun. Google it!
23. Atheist: Science represents an advancing knowledge of the universe, while god represents a retreating ignorance.
24. Atheist: Every supernatural monster winds up being some jerk in a mask.
25. Atheist: Pay attention to the man behind the curtain.
26. Atheist humanist: We rape and kill everyone we want, which is no one.
27. Atheist humanist: Be good for goodness sake. That’s all you need, my friend.
Note: Some of these definitions were inspired, if not directly quoted, by Ricky Gervais, Richard Dawkins, Carl Sagan, Christopher Hitchens, Bill Maher, Bill O’Reilly, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Scooby Doo, the Wizard of Oz, Penn Jillette, Santa Claus and some unknown or forgotten sources. FFRF member James Kirk Wall, Wheaton, Ill., engages in the battle of reason over superstition along with countless other freethinkers dead and living. He’s written two books on secular philosophy and hundreds of blogs criticizing the moral and intellectual flaws of religion and promoting independent thought, science and human progress.
