Look with dread on the Book of Fred

(The following letter by FFRF member Marty Rush was printed Nov. 5 in The Mountain Mail in Salida, Colo. It’s part of an ongoing debate between Marty and a local fundamentalist Christian.)

Dear Editor:

You have to admire Ide Trotter for his everlasting effort to convert me to Christianity. The effort is unnecessary, however, since I already believe in a higher power. I know it sounds crazy, but I have an omnipotent imaginary friend and he runs the universe.

His name is Fred.

Fred created everything that exists from nothing between 6,000 and 14 billion years ago. Which pretty much makes him omnipotent.

I say Fred is imaginary because no one really sees him but me.

Not that I see him in the normal way. No, Fred is more like — a presence. I can feel him sometimes, flowing through me. But even without seeing him face to face, I know Fred is real.

I talk to him. And he talks to me. In fact, we have regular conversations, Fred and I.

Fred tells me all kinds of things. How to judge right from wrong. What goals I should have in life. Even what to eat for breakfast sometimes. But it’s more than that.

Fred has also revealed the secrets of the universe to me. How he created our world. And how it will end. (In a violent cataclysm, unfortunately.) Fred has a plan for humanity, you see.

My friends are concerned about my belief in Fred. Maybe it’s the suddenness of it.

I just found Fred last week. Before that, life was truly bleak. Outwardly, I seemed OK, but inside, I was miserable. I didn’t know why I was even alive. And I was afraid of dying.

Fred has changed all that. Now my life has meaning. I understand how I fit into Fred’s cosmic design. Plus, I get to talk with the guy who created it all. Pretty cool.

But people have doubts about me, and about Fred. They say Fred doesn’t exist. They think I’m having some kind of hallucination.

I beg to differ. I’m confident in the truth of Fred’s existence. I know Fred is real, and I can prove it.

It’s in the Book of Fred.

The Book of Fred was written, a long time ago, by someone who apparently had the exact same omnipotent imaginary friend as me. The Book of Fred says that Fred created the universe. It lists Fred’s rules for ethical living and recounts Fred’s many miracles.

It’s all there in black and white.

Sadly, my friends dispute the truth of the Book of Fred. But as it says in the book, “Anyone who disputes the truth of the Book of Fred is way stupid and eternally damned.”

Of course, I’ve been adding to the book all the new stuff Fred is telling me, so I have the true updated word of Fred (if anyone’s interested).

Personally, I’d hate to be caught unprepared when Fred finally gets fed up and destroys the world. He’s going to do it, too.

But omnipotent imaginary friends are like that, as Ide could certainly tell you.

Freedom From Religion Foundation