“I’m an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you’ll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile, saying, ‘Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.’ ”

"My family’s religious. As I got older, the church didn’t appeal to me and I went my own way."

“I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife. I’m the only one in my family who feels this way.”

“The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.”

"A powerful well-supported movement of atheist feminists — of us Godless women — has the potential to free fifty-two percent of the world’s population from compulsory continuous motherhood and restrictions on everything from clothing to education, work to sex — as well as the financial and time resources that organised religion demands."

“Although we weren’t brought up to be any particular religion, we were taught to say our prayers. I remember one that ended, ‘Thy glorious kingdom, which is for ever and ever. Amen.’ These words made me scream, “I don’t want to be anywhere for ever and ever. It’s too much.” 

"[I]t's fine if you as an adult want to run around pretending or claiming that you don't believe in evolution, but if we educate a generation of people who don't believe in science, that's a recipe for disaster. ... The main idea in all of biology is evolution. To not teach it to our young people is wrong."

"I don’t like religion. I think religion is a con." 

“We’re apes — do apes go anyplace [when they die]?”

“I can criticize your religion all I want, and you can criticize mine. I don’t like this whole climate of, ‘You can’t ever say anything bad about the group I’m in, cause every group is untouchable.’ We can all criticize each other and engage in debate all we want.”

THE ONION: Is there a God?
PAUL BARMAN: Obviously not.
O: Why obviously not?
PB: Isn't believing in God like wearing chain mail?
O: In that it protects you from being lanced?
PB: [Laughs.] In that you just don't do it anymore.

“I do not believe in God. I'm an atheist. I consider myself a critical thinker, and it fascinates me that in the 21st century most people still believe in, as George Carlin puts it, 'the invisible man living in the sky.' ”

"[I]t appears that religion was a more casual affair in the Carson household than it was in the Welks’, and Johnny apparently never made church-going part of his adult lifestyle nor considered religion to be an important part of his life."

"Monty Python became my religion when I was 10. It led me out of the depths of darkness."

“[I]f anyone in this audience believes that God made his body, and your body is dirty, the fault lies with the manufacturer.”

"I'm pathetically pragmatic. ... I don't believe that there's a higher power that created human beings."

“And yes I have all of the usual objections
To the miseducation of children who, in tax-exempt institutions,
Are taught to externalize blame
And to feel ashamed and to judge things as plain right and wrong
But I quite like the songs. ”

"I’m an atheist, but was raised in a partially religious family. So I’ve always been allowed to make fun of religion, knowing full well that no one would ever take it personally. They’re just jokes. But when you fight faith with logic, people tend to get angry because they don’t have the logic to back up their faith and they feel personally attacked by it."

“Jesus wasn’t the messiah. Get back, I’m a heretic and I’m on fire.”

"I just kept thinking your god sucks. Get a new god. Get something new. Because this thing that you're worshipping is not making you a better person, and isn't that weird?"

“And the next day the miracle occurred — crucifixion, resurrection, and he rose again from the dead and if he sees his shadow, another 2,000 years of guilt.”

“Religion is such a medieval idea. Don’t get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can’t buy any of it.”

“Yes. They say you die just a little bit when you sneeze. And I’m kind of an atheist, but yet I will say that just in case.”

"If you're not indoctrinated into some kind of religion when you're very young, then it can play very little. I'm rather secular. I'm basically Jewish. But I think I'm Jewish not because of the Jewish religion at all. I think it's the relationship with the people and the pride I have."

"It's always better to tell the truth. The truth doesn't hurt, and saying that, my mother only ever lied to me about one thing.  She said there was a God. But that's because when you're a working-class mum, Jesus is like an unpaid babysitter. She thought if I was God-fearing, then I'd be good."

“If you were not born into [religious] culture, it seems like the most outlandish thing in the world.”

"When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case. Ten people see him it's a cult. Ten million people see him it's a respected religion."

"I was born Jewish, but I am an atheist. I don't believe in God."

The Lord God Made Them All

All things dull and ugly
All creatures short and squat
All things rude and nasty
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons
Each little wasp that stings
He made their brutish venom
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet
Each beastly little squid
Who made the spiky urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did!

All things scabbed and ulcerous
All pox both great and small
Putrid, foul and gangrenous
The Lord God made them all.

Oh, Lord, Please Don't Burn Us

“O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok

Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat”

"My biggest problem with people who talk about God and prayers is how confident they are about how it all works out until it doesn't work out. This kind of willful blindness astounds me. If something is a miracle when it works, then when it doesn't work that should not just be ignored; it should be questioned."

“As an atheist, I'd skip the prayer and go straight to the colonel, who is arguably the god of affordable, bucket housed fried chicken bits.”

“There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.”

"A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, 'A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well, it keeps you from being Mormon.' "

“I was warming the material up in New York, where one night, literally on stage, I realized I didn’t believe in God at all. ... I just didn’t think there was anyone upstairs.”

“Easter is when Jesus comes out of his tomb, and if he sees his shadow he goes back in and we get six more weeks of winter.”

There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on,
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came, because

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,
God needs everybody's,
Mine, and mine, and mine.

Let the pagans spill theirs,
O'er mountain, hill and plain.
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

"[Fields] regarded all religions with the suspicion of a seasoned con man."

"My feelings on religion are starting to morph. I'm still very much an atheist, except that I don't necessarily see religion as being a bad thing. ... I'm almost saying certain people do better with religion, the way that certain rock stars do better if they're shooting heroin."

“Why make up a being who’s constantly disappointed in you?”